The Average life


 Topic: The Average life
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  Posted on March 25, 2014 11:10
Rhaenys
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#1
Hi, depressing poem/song, still working on it.

She was born with bright blue eyes,
As her mother closed both of her eyes,
For the last time.
Her father was never quite the same,
He put it on his daughter and said she's to blame.
Oh what a shame
Oh what a shame
Oh what a shame

Life passes quickly by and she meets a real nice guy.
They both love each other so, and make each other whole.
Five years he gets on one knee, says my darling be my wife.
She smiles and says yes.
Oh what a Joy
Oh what a Joy
Oh what a Joy

Two years later she wants a baby.
But she's unable to give birth they Say.
She cries deeply in her sleep, with nightmares every day.
She tells him the great news, she's pregnant with their child.
Eight months and thirteen days, she gives birth to a lifeless child
Oh what a shame
Oh what a shame
Oh what a shame

Another year flights on by she's pregnant once more,
They both not quite sure if everything will be ok.
She laughs and cries when finally her son is born.
A Healthy 8 pond five with her bright blue eyes.
Oh what a Joy
Oh what a Joy
Oh what a Joy

Fifty years come creeping by,
They're holding hand in hand.
He grabs on to her arm with a firm grip,
She looks into both his eyes he drops to his knees.
Tears run down her face,
A crowd gathers as his life flashes.

It's been three years which brings us here.
Her daughter and son visit her on Christmas day.
They find her sitting in a chair, her eyes are shut and breathing stops.
Tears are shed from their eyes.
She's buried next to her love and once more theyre together whole as one.
Oh what a life
Oh what a life
Oh what a life
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  Posted on March 25, 2014 11:19
Naruto-7thHokage
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#2
That was really depressing and sad.

It flowed really well. Good job! Kind of a deeper meaning then what's shown on the surface too. (y)
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  Posted on March 25, 2014 12:02
itachi-mylife
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#3
Rhaenys wrote:
Hi, depressing poem/song, still working on it.

Oh what a shame
Oh what a shame
Oh what a shame
.
Oh what a Joy
Oh what a Joy
Oh what a Joy


Oh what a shame
Oh what a shame
Oh what a shame

Oh what a Joy
Oh what a Joy
Oh what a Joy

Oh what a life
Oh what a life
Oh what a life

there.....edited it for you...no need to say thanks
Don't Push it. Don't push it, or I'll give you war you won't believe. Let it go.

The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth.
  Posted on March 25, 2014 13:26
assem
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#4
That's a really good poem,despite it's dark theme I did enjoy it. Keep on doing more.

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  Posted on March 26, 2014 06:06
lilnaruto_legend
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#5
The flow seems off at certain points, not too bad though.
I like the repetition but it's a tad bit overused here imo.
They both not quite sure if everything will be ok.
A Healthy 8 pond five with her bright blue eyes.
^Those lines don't sound right, easy fixes, just thought I'd point them out.

Now for the positives, I seriously liked this poem. Poems like these (not to say yours isn't original) always tug the heart strings, the poems that are stories of a persons' life. It's well written and easy to connect to.
They both love each other so, and make each other whole.
^Easily my favorite line, well done.

I hope to see more from you.
I love you Phona.