Comments [Adult Content Advisory]


 Topic: Comments [Adult Content Advisory]
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  Posted on February 17, 2013 06:25
Keywork
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#1
I'm letting you know that this has bad language and some adult content (not sex but mentions of it.) Also, it doesn't really have an ending. Also, I swear to God, if you post "tl;dr" I will come after you. It's not funny, it's not cute, it's not original, and you suck for doing it. I would rather you didn't post at all if that's all you have to say. Also, don't "reserve" your post or toss me a rating. You don't have to reserve a post here. It's not going anywhere and you're just doing it to boost your post count and ratings don't help me at all.

Dedicated to my friend Ross.

------------
  Posted on February 17, 2013 06:28
jalisons
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#2
i didn't read it

what did it say ???



tried to read it but stopped after first paragraph after all the bs i read.
Shrou Nyuin Captain
  Posted on February 17, 2013 06:32
zezima21212
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#3
Wut o.o


All i read was to post

tl;dr
  Posted on February 17, 2013 06:34
MaruJin
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#4
tired to read it all xD
hohoho:nuts

  Posted on February 17, 2013 06:36
noobman243
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#5
0/10.
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr
Jean learned how to photobomb click
  Posted on February 17, 2013 06:42
kakuzu-storm
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#6
I read couple sentences out of like 2 paragraphs...
are these dreams you recently had? Dafuq.
  Posted on February 17, 2013 06:44
ts_faraz
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#7
Writing wrote:
Labeling:
This is a new system set in place to alert our members of how revealing a certain writing piece is. A label must be in either title or post if it runs along the guidelines of the following statements.

• All writings that give away the plot outcome of any piece of fiction are required to be labeled as a spoiler.
• All writings that contain light sexual references, swearing/cussing, and mild graphic scenes must be labeled with an advisory.
• All writings that contain graphic gory scenes, sexual content, and/or coarse language must be labeled with a mature content warning.

So you should add the label in the topic title.
  Posted on February 17, 2013 06:53
choppy
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#8
I like it for the most part. I know you said it's not finished and I'm glad because at the moment the second half has no reason for being there.

Overall I think it's pretty entertaining and at times a really enjoyable read, but if could give a few suggestions..

The second paragraph is unnecessary. If you want to give your main character some personality/history you can't do it so blatantly e.g.

"My entire collection consists of a single bible I took from a motel that I stayed in when I was homeless due to leaving home at the age of 18 because I couldn't stand being there another moment."

See how you just tried to cram three bits of important information into one sentence? a) he has a bible, b) he was homeless and c) he hates his family/home. There's less direct ways of doing this than through congested reminiscence. The doctor could ask for his next of kin and he could scowl and say none. An online survey he was doing for a bit of cash could ask for religious status and he could remark on the bible along with his answer etc.

And the only other thing I would say is don't try to make it something it's not. It seems like a great piece with a bit of humour about a very interesting guy, and thats what makes the story interesting, is the guys weird personality. Stick more with his outlook on tv, interest in comments on porn websites and his wild imagination, and let the history slowly unveil itself.

6/10 but so much space for some great improvements.

P.S. really hope you don't mind constructive criticism
  Posted on February 17, 2013 07:33
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#9
choppy wrote:
I like it for the most part. I know you said it's not finished and I'm glad because at the moment the second half has no reason for being there.

Overall I think it's pretty entertaining and at times a really enjoyable read, but if could give a few suggestions..

The second paragraph is unnecessary. If you want to give your main character some personality/history you can't do it so blatantly e.g.

"My entire collection consists of a single bible I took from a motel that I stayed in when I was homeless due to leaving home at the age of 18 because I couldn't stand being there another moment."

See how you just tried to cram three bits of important information into one sentence? a) he has a bible, b) he was homeless and c) he hates his family/home. There's less direct ways of doing this than through congested reminiscence. The doctor could ask for his next of kin and he could scowl and say none. An online survey he was doing for a bit of cash could ask for religious status and he could remark on the bible along with his answer etc.

And the only other thing I would say is don't try to make it something it's not. It seems like a great piece with a bit of humour about a very interesting guy, and thats what makes the story interesting, is the guys weird personality. Stick more with his outlook on tv, interest in comments on porn websites and his wild imagination, and let the history slowly unveil itself.

6/10 but so much space for some great improvements.

P.S. really hope you don't mind constructive criticism
No, I need constructive criticism and I really appreciate it. I just did this all in one go without editing it because I wanted to get it out so I'm sure there are problems.
  Posted on February 17, 2013 15:58
Ayaake
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#10
The character is the one who really shines in this piece.I do think that you should go out of your way to make interesting scenarios for the sake of doing it,for example the docter's alter ego seems too random and out of place and doesn't provoke a emotionall responce to the reader like you hope.It would've worked better had you known the docter for a long time and then found out about his internet profile as opposed to your current.This would've actually added a surprise twist and hence more interessting overall.I did enjoy the main character and his outlook on life,his thoughts about humdrum life is really the shtick that you should continue to develop further.Like Choppy said the background of the protagonist needs to be expressed organically rather than adding it for the sake of teaching us more about him and dont try to condence it into a few lines.
OVERALL,I think you can really conjure up some humuruos and interesting settings and ideas but I would like to see an overall plot and point....Hope this helped
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