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Posted on February 17, 2013 06:25

Keywork
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I'm letting you know that this has bad language and some adult content (not sex but mentions of it.) Also, it doesn't really have an ending. Also, I swear to God, if you post "tl;dr" I will come after you. It's not funny, it's not cute, it's not original, and you suck for doing it. I would rather you didn't post at all if that's all you have to say. Also, don't "reserve" your post or toss me a rating. You don't have to reserve a post here. It's not going anywhere and you're just doing it to boost your post count and ratings don't help me at all.

Dedicated to my friend Ross.

--------------

Today is a boring day. So was yesterday. And the day before. Nothing to do when you're sick. No work, no school, and worst of all, no TV. Television is awful until around the time the kids get home from school and cartoons replace the nonstop infomercials for shit you never knew you needed and then after the cartoons are over you can watch reruns of old sitcoms for a few hours and then catch your local news (you'll never hear anything that will put a smile on your face) and then the infomercials make their triumphant return, completing the circle. So I guess television is always awful.

Nothing to read, either. My entire collection consists of a single bible I took from a motel that I stayed in when I was homeless due to leaving home at the age of 18 because I couldn't stand being there another moment. I've always had a job and I didn't have any bills to pay at home so the money just kinda piled up even with my alcoholic father bumming money off of me and outright stealing it to support his disease so the second the clock struck midnight and I was legally an adult I was out of there without so much as a goodbye. It was rough going at first but I think I turned out great. I took the bible as a souvenir and I've read it a few times. I don't consider myself a Christian or religious at all for that matter but it's still important to me.

But that's all in the past.

I pick up my old laptop and heave a long sigh that can only indicate severe boredom. Possibly fatal. Had anyone ever died from boredom before? I might be the first.

The laptop takes forever to boot. I don't know why. Sure, I've dropped it a few times, but I don't see how that has anything to do with anything. I look around my apartment as I wait for the piece of shit to hurry up and turn on. I see the crack in the wall that resembles a capital K. It appeared overnight a few months ago and I keep having this nightmare that more cracks start to form and spell out the word "kill" and then I go crazy and kill everyone. I always wake up with a cold sweat and feel unsafe in my own bed.

Finally, the thing is on. Despite the process of booting taking ages, when it's on it's way on. Everything loads so fast. I would leave it on all the time except the fan's broken and so I can't do that, now can I? The things I go through.

The apartments advertise "blazing fast wi-fi connection" but that's a load of shit. Well, kind of a load of shit. It loads normal websites quick enough but it can't load videos to save its life. That's a real hassle for me because I go to porn sites often. Not to jerk it or anything, but to read the comments. I am fascinated by the comments. What would compel someone to stop what they were doing and type up their thoughts concerning the video at hand? It takes a special kind of person to do that. The Average Joe is in there like a mercenary. He types in "big tits", finds his video, and is in and out like it's nothing. Not these guys. These guys are special. I know you've seen them.

For example, here's a quote from my favorite user whose name shall be excluded for his safety:

"Get yr punk ass up. You do not get your face in any bitches ass if you cannot stand the funk. All asses stank, dude, shit comes out the ass close you nose and get ur tongue in that motherfucker. You will learn to love the taste of chocolate. Don't fuck around with her ass if you cannot stand the funk."

I can't even picture this guy masturbating. He just goes there to offer encouragement and words of wisdom to any and all people who might be interested in anal sex. He's genuinely trying to give them a pep talk. You can do this, dude. You can mess with that stanky ass. Just believe in yourself.

I find myself wondering who the person behind these comments is. I can only base my imagined version off of a picture of him that he has as his profile picture and the comments themselves. He looks like Jerry Rice. The first thing that comes to mind is a horny carpenter. His wife divorced him and took their only child after she caught him having a wild sex party with a bunch of working girls he hired. He knows it's his fault that she left him and he doesn't really care. If anything, he's glad. It was stupid of him to tie himself down in the first place. He doesn't care about his daughter either. Only sex. After a long day of work he comes home and to unwind he loads up some videos, watches them, and then offers his opinion. Sometimes he just shares nuggets of wisdom while smiling a sage smile. He doesn't ever masturbate; he makes enough money to go hire someone to do it for him. He's there for you.

------

Two days later and I'm still sick so I decide to go to the doctor. Waiting rooms are the worst. People too fat for the chairs reading science magazines from three years ago. Old people who look dead on the inside and the outside looks like it'll be catching up with the inside soon enough. The TV's on but it's muted and there's no closed captioning. I'm pretty sure that's a federal offense. The deaf people must be pissed.

Finally, they call my name. I shuffle over there. My joints ache and the act of walking is fatiguing. The nurse escorts me to the room where the doctor will see me and after checking my height, weight, etc she leaves the room. There's more old magazines in this room. I pick up one on airplanes and look at the pictures. I've never flown and I'm fine with that. I know it's safe but I'm claustrophobic. Maybe if there was a plane that only had three seats: two for the pilots, and one for me, maybe then I'd do it. But that's not likely and neither is me flying.

The doctor comes in and despite he and I never having met he feels instantly familiar. He smiles a brilliant white smile and asks me how it's doing and then it hits me: it's Jerry Rice. Jerry Rice is my doctor. I must have the weirdest look on my face because he brings it up.

"You okay, son? You're not going to die on me, are you?"

He laughs a deep, rich laugh and washes his hands. I cannot even begin to imagine the things he must have done with those hands, and now they're going to touch me. I don't care if he just washed them. I wouldn't care if he burned them off and got robot replacement, I do not want him touching me. He comes closer, pulls out his stethoscope, and goes to use it on me.

"I know who you are," I blurt out.

"Beg pardon?"

"You're the one who taught me that all asses stank."

His eyes narrow and his smile goes away. He says nothing. He sits down and stares a hole through me. I feel myself sinking in my seat. Then, after what feels like hours of him trying to stare me to death and me trying to make myself so small that I disappear, he smiles. He smiles that same sage smile I always imagined him wearing.

Posted on February 17, 2013 06:28

jalisons
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i didn't read it

what did it say ???

:amazed

tried to read it but stopped after first paragraph after all the bs i read. :sad

Posted on February 17, 2013 06:32

zezima21212
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Wut o.o

All i read was to post

tl;dr

Clan Xat
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Posted on February 17, 2013 06:34

MaruJin
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tired to read it all xD :nuts

hohoho:nuts

Posted on February 17, 2013 06:36

noobman243
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0/10.
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr
tl;dr

D & C and B rank missions COMPLETE :nuts

A rank: 13/14
S rank: 2/8
Shippuden: 31/63
Shippuden continued: 1/23

Posted on February 17, 2013 06:42

kakuzu-storm
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I read couple sentences out of like 2 paragraphs...
are these dreams you recently had? Dafuq.

Posted on February 17, 2013 06:44

ts_faraz
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Writing Class Guidelines and Rules wrote:

Labeling:
This is a new system set in place to alert our members of how revealing a certain writing piece is. A label must be in either title or post if it runs along the guidelines of the following statements.

• All writings that give away the plot outcome of any piece of fiction are required to be labeled as a spoiler.
• All writings that contain light sexual references, swearing/cussing, and mild graphic scenes must be labeled with an advisory.
• All writings that contain graphic gory scenes, sexual content, and/or coarse language must be labeled with a mature content warning.

So you should add the label in the topic title.

{showcase} {fuckyeahTwilight of Spirits2013} {say hi to nessy poo}

Posted on February 17, 2013 06:53

choppy
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I like it for the most part. I know you said it's not finished and I'm glad because at the moment the second half has no reason for being there.

Overall I think it's pretty entertaining and at times a really enjoyable read, but if could give a few suggestions..

The second paragraph is unnecessary. If you want to give your main character some personality/history you can't do it so blatantly e.g.

"My entire collection consists of a single bible I took from a motel that I stayed in when I was homeless due to leaving home at the age of 18 because I couldn't stand being there another moment."

See how you just tried to cram three bits of important information into one sentence? a) he has a bible, b) he was homeless and c) he hates his family/home. There's less direct ways of doing this than through congested reminiscence. The doctor could ask for his next of kin and he could scowl and say none. An online survey he was doing for a bit of cash could ask for religious status and he could remark on the bible along with his answer etc.

And the only other thing I would say is don't try to make it something it's not. It seems like a great piece with a bit of humour about a very interesting guy, and thats what makes the story interesting, is the guys weird personality. Stick more with his outlook on tv, interest in comments on porn websites and his wild imagination, and let the history slowly unveil itself.

6/10 but so much space for some great improvements.

P.S. really hope you don't mind constructive criticism :cheesy

___+___ “Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing.” ___+____

Posted on February 17, 2013 07:33

Keywork
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choppy wrote:

No, I need constructive criticism and I really appreciate it. I just did this all in one go without editing it because I wanted to get it out so I'm sure there are problems.

Posted on February 17, 2013 15:58

Ayaake
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#10

The character is the one who really shines in this piece.I do think that you should go out of your way to make interesting scenarios for the sake of doing it,for example the docter's alter ego seems too random and out of place and doesn't provoke a emotionall responce to the reader like you hope.It would've worked better had you known the docter for a long time and then found out about his internet profile as opposed to your current.This would've actually added a surprise twist and hence more interessting overall.I did enjoy the main character and his outlook on life,his thoughts about humdrum life is really the shtick that you should continue to develop further.Like Choppy said the background of the protagonist needs to be expressed organically rather than adding it for the sake of teaching us more about him and dont try to condence it into a few lines.
OVERALL,I think you can really conjure up some humuruos and interesting settings and ideas but I would like to see an overall plot and point....Hope this helped

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