YinYang Chapter3: A New Evil


 Topic: YinYang Chapter3: A New Evil
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  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:24
max-less
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#1
This is my first story so mind grammar and spelling errors and lack of detail. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
All Naruto Boards and Writing Class rules apply.

Please Rate and comment on the story.

Chapter 3: A New Evil:

Markus attacks Athena, this time using a beam of white light, but Jordan blocks it with his own green energy which makes a huge explosion. Athena and Vex got out of the explosion range fast while Jordan and Markus kept fighting, each one of firing their dangerous energy bolts. “Since people already heard that explosion, I won’t hold back anymore.” Jordan said as he fired four arrows at Markus who fires his beam at three of them and dodges the fourth. Vex and Athena attack him from the sides with their swords and they both manage to cut him, Athena got a cut on his shoulder and Vex on his leg. They were all careful not to kill him, because the mission is to bring him alive.

Markus backed away knowing that he can’t take all three of them. “Surrender.” Vex orders in confidence. Markus ignored him and started thinking of a away to escape, Athena was guarding the door, Jordan was standing next to a hole in the wall which was caused by the explosion. Markus smiled then started talking again “Well, it seems like you three are good, but still..” but got interrupted by a kick to the nuts from Athena and then fell to the ground crying pain. “Where’s my ring?” Athena asked standing over him while Vex and Jordan were wondering how couldn’t he dodge that. “Alright! I’ll tell you.” Markus gave up because of the pain “It’s in Vex’s car, in the trunk. You left it there before a mission.”

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t want it to get ruined.” Athena says as she remembers when she put the ring there. “You’re coming with us.” Said Jordan as he helps Markus up, trying to avoid touching skin. “Let’s hurry, the police will be here any minute.” Vex said as walked to the car. Athena and Jordan were helping Markus to the car but Markus touched Athena hand again, on accident this time. “What trickery is this?!” Markus say as he backs away in fear. “What’s wrong?” Athena says noticing the fear in Markus’ eyes while Vex readying he weapon to stop him from running away if he tried. “You work with the Devourer! He’s supposed to be dead! What do you want from me?!” Markus started talking nonsense no one understood, for none of them know of any ‘Devourer’. “What do you mean? What Devourer?” Athena asks in confusion but Markus ignores her and grabs a knife from the kitchen then yells “You might not know him, but he knows you!”.

“Be careful.” Vex says as they all get ready for another round. But, surprisingly, Markus points the knife to his own throat. “Wait, what are doing?!” Athena yells at Markus who replies “I don’t want to live in a world with the Devourer.” “You were a good opponent, and now you’re going to suicide? That’s anticlimactic.” Jordan says in humor. “You won’t be laughing when the world is thrown into chaos.” Markus replies in a deep voice. “At least us who he is. We can stop him.” Athena offers to calm him down. “You can’t.” Markus says as he tries to stab his throat, but a dark aura surrounds him and he disappears in a second.

The three stood there in silent for a moment, trying to comprehend what just happened. The police sirens broke this moment making them run to the car and drive away. “Here it is.” Says Athena wearing her ring. “Is that a wedding ring?” Jordan asks in curiosity. “Yes, it is.” Athena answers making Jordan and Vex look at her as Vex says “We didn’t know you were married?” Athena laughs and says “You never asked. Besides, the three of us were only on this time for a few weeks. You don’t know much about me.” “True, but fighting together made as close fast, I think we should know more about each other.” Jordan says in a demanding way.

Meantime, Markus finds himself in a large dark room, nothing to light it but a few torches. “Welcome, Mr. Lavender.” A voice came from the dark as five hooded people appear in front of Markus. “Lookie here, it’s the self-proclaimed demon servants.” Markus says mocking them. One of the five comes closer to Markus and say “What’s wrong? You used to pee your pants in front of us.” “Well, when you face a lion, facing a dog becomes less scary. And yes, you’re the dog in this metaphor.” Markus mocks them yet again. The one facing Markus gets furious and turns to the other saying “Can slit his throat?”. Markus laughs loudly “You wouldn’t save me from killing myself to kill me, right?”

Another one of the five, seemingly the most wise, approaches Markus saying “What did you see that is more fearful than us?” “The Devourer.” Markus answers quickly “But I doubt any of you know about such a thing.” Markus guessed correctly, for four of them stood there clueless. Then he started laughing like crazy “From beginning of time, Demons and humans fought! But now, I’m going to watch the Devourer destroying BOTH sides! Hahahaha!”

“I have no clue of what the Devourer is.” The Boss answered the questioning of Athena. “Apparently, it’s someone I know.” Athena says in a worried voice. Then the Boss says “According to my knowledge of Markus’ ability, with a small touch like that, he can only be someone you saw about this week.” “That’s a lot of people, including my family and friends, I met a bunch of people in the mall, cinema, or even walking the street.” Athena says thinking about possibilities. “A lot of people to investigate.” Vex says lying on the couch. “Hey, don’t say that we are gonna check all of them?” Jordan questions because he sees this impossible. “I’m afraid so.” The Boss replies and start explaining. “Luckily, Markus wouldn’t see that person if he/she didn’t make an impression on you. So we’re going to check the people that you remember only. And this is too dangerous for you alone, so I’m sending extra hands.” “What are you talking about? We can handle this!” Vex said then The Boss interrupted the others from talking by say “You had a hard time with Markus, who shivers from the thought of the devourer. What makes you think you can handle this?” Those words broke the will of the three and made them lower their heads. “You need more training before facing such a thing.” Those were the last words as the call ended.

“Who could it be?” Athena thought while she was walking down the same street she walks every day, looking at all the faces, everyone was a possibility. She walks by her neighbors, it could be anyone. She climbed the stairs, looking at everyone walking past her. She entered her house silently and stared at her husband who did notice her. She stood by the door watching him cook, everyone was a possibility.

Previous: Chapter 2: The Ring

Next: Chapter 4: Alexander The Lawyer, Alexander The Cook. (Soon.)
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:25
Saramir
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#2
reading... :amused
edit: good job! the grammar is bad, you will get better, i'm sure; some sentences have a lack of something..i don't know..some just finish too fast.. i like the story, i like how u narrate... did u think about publishing some time? :unsure
:blink
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:27
Albert8t
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#3
good post :cool and cool :rolleyes
You never know what will destine you until you go forward.
Albertsig.png
Thank you Itchi <3
+50streak
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:28
Caneta28
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#4
reserved...
it might be a good story.
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:34
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#5
Saramir wrote:
reading... :amused
edit: good job! the grammar is bad, you will get better, i'm sure; some sentences have a lack of something..i don't know..some just finish too fast.. i like the story, i like how u narrate... did u think of publishing some time? :unsure
:blink
Thank you. :D
The thing sentences lack is detail and I know that. :P
And if I were to publish one of my stories, it wouldn't be this one, because it's my less favorite. That's why I thought I'd start with it. :P
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:38
Sage-Sasuke
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#6
Cool story bro :amused
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:44
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#7
@Albert & Sage: Thanks! :D
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:53
JustAnotherDay
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#8
Needs more sex scenes and a scene where ninjas fight to the death
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:56
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JustAnotherDay wrote:
Needs more sex scenes and a scene where ninjas fight to the death
There will be. u,u'
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:58
JustAnotherDay
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max-less wrote:
JustAnotherDay wrote:
Needs more sex scenes and a scene where ninjas fight to the death
There will be. u,u'
And Chapter 4 better have a cliff hanger where the protagonist gets shot and people are left to guess who did it. u,u
  Posted on December 15, 2011 17:59
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#11
JustAnotherDay wrote:
max-less wrote:
JustAnotherDay wrote:
Needs more sex scenes and a scene where ninjas fight to the death
There will be. u,u'
And Chapter 4 better have a cliff hanger where the protagonist gets shot and people are left to guess who did it. u,u
Naaaaah, Chapter 4 is about Alexander. o,o
  Posted on December 15, 2011 18:01
JustAnotherDay
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#12
max-less wrote:
JustAnotherDay wrote:
max-less wrote:
JustAnotherDay wrote:
Needs more sex scenes and a scene where ninjas fight to the death
There will be. u,u'
And Chapter 4 better have a cliff hanger where the protagonist gets shot and people are left to guess who did it. u,u
Naaaaah, Chapter 4 is about Alexander. o,o
WHO THE HECK IS ALEXANDER
  Posted on December 15, 2011 18:03
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#13
JustAnotherDay wrote:
WHO THE HECK IS ALEXANDER
Exactly. u,u
  Posted on December 15, 2011 18:04
JustAnotherDay
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#14
max-less wrote:
JustAnotherDay wrote:
WHO THE HECK IS ALEXANDER
Exactly. u,u
To be honest I didn't read because it was too long
But just by glimpsing over it I can tell there are a lot of errors u,u
  Posted on December 15, 2011 18:05
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#15
JustAnotherDay wrote:
max-less wrote:
JustAnotherDay wrote:
WHO THE HECK IS ALEXANDER
Exactly. u,u
To be honest I didn't read because it was too long
But just by glimpsing over it I can tell there are a lot of errors u,u
You're mean to me, Julio. </3