+//DasakePresentsHowToChewGum


 Topic: +//DasakePresentsHowToChewGum
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 00:57
DasakeUchiha
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#1
I kid you not- my college professor asked meh to write a mock paper on how to chew gum. A mock paper is a step by step procedure on how to do something that is utterly useless and stupid. I did mine on how to chew gum, and thought i'd share it with you all.

If you didn't read, don't comment. I don't need you here. :smile

--------------------------------------------Blow That Bubble--------------------------------------------
There are so many questions out there about bubble gum and how to correctly chew it. When asked this question, many people cannot truly say they know what they do is right, so they simply reply “I don't know”. The real questions is “where did bubble gum come from?” and “What's the history?”. It really is a simple story, one filled with terror and glitter.
You see, the history of bubble gum originates from the hate in France. A group, vast in number and small in stature, would wage war versus the Americans and other real nations in the world. Even though they were too small and stupid to actually win, they would try and try again. We would sometimes let them attack us for the hell of it, and when they weren't looking, we would scare the children. We simply sneaked into their star burst wrapper closets and jump out right as they went to sleep.
We may have been too hard on them, but that was just the beginning. Later, we decided a mass homicide would take place over that rotten disgusting sticks of rubber. We gathered them all up and decided to sell them to other countries as souvenirs. This is how it was done. First, we would harden them, stretch them and make them elastic so they were tough but flexible. Then, we would flavor coat them so for the first few minutes we would enjoy their flavor good blood. Lastly, we would cover them in a nice shiny wrapper and put each family in a set to be sold on the shelf.
To this day, we still feed off of them. In order to get back to their original state, we go through many hard steps. The most important thing is to get the gum into the right hole on your face. Trust me, many people cannot do this. Why would you stick a stick up your nose and try to convert it into food? Dumb asses. Alright, here we go. First, you take a flamethrower and burn off the top of their house. Then, you pull one wrapped piece of gum from the others. This is your chosen one, this is the one time in your pathetic life you get to choose which one you want to kill! (Or bring to life, we don't care or know.) Now that you've chosen this sad piece of gum, you must dissect it from the wrapper. If you do not do this, hey hey a warning oh my god, pay attention. If you do not dissect it, you are asking to be cut. Now that the evil wrapper is out of the way, the truly hard part comes into play. This is what separates the men from the boys, the forks from the spoons, and a happy life versus a terrible one.
Getting it into your mouth. It's so hard that there should be an Olympics event, just for that. What do you do? You start out by putting it in your hand, observe it for a while. If it makes sudden movements you are hallucinating and should consult a doctor. If it scares you in any way, never mind, just make sure you bring an extra pair of underwear to finish this process. (You may leave now if you are not prepared, and do this again at a later date.) If you feel you are completely prepared, and please do not be brave, proceed to the final step. You raise your hand to the roof of your mouth, you smell the prey and quickly throw it into the hole. Please, do not miss, you have one chance at this. If you fail, you should commit suicide.
Now that that is all out of the way, if you succeeded you should be enjoying a nice piece of French idiot in your mouth. Chewing on it is the best part, it is not ever suggested to chew and swallow quickly, for you don't savior the moment.
The risks at chewing the gum, if you are stupid you may get hurt. Do not attempt a bubble until you've been properly trained, by no one. No one will ever have this experience. Lastly, never swallow, that is where you are most vulnerable and the prey will strike back. Spit it up, so you hurt its pride. If you've done all of this correctly, you have successfully chewed gum.
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 00:59
itachixtsukuyomi
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#2
Pretty Good that was interesting yet useless. I never knew the history of bubble gum until now.
  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:00
Lulu-Kun
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#3
umm cool. lol this is really stupid and useless.. but its funny. Good Job Dasseh. ^^
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:02
11cartoon
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#4
Wow, you make the french sound sick and twisted Good Job, this is certainly interesting.
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:03
no-games
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#5
I missed when I tried to put it in the hole. :sad
  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:03
Lulu-Kun
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#6
no-games wrote:
I missed when I tried to put it in the hole. :sad

then kill yourself.. :3 xD jk.

nice topic.
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:03
Neliel-Whore
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#7
Definitely a paper over a useless topic. But entertaining, nonetheless.

"If you fail, you should commit suicide." <--- My favorite part.

Seems like a good paper, though. A very creative story, as well. Good job, Das.
  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:03
Yondaime10101
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#8
"If you fail, you should commit suicide."

I lol'd XD Nice one Dasy!

Edit @ above: At least we agree :weird
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:04
Instant-Itachi
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#9
Thanks Das. :amazed
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:04
DasakeUchiha
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#10
Lulu-Kun wrote:
umm cool. lol this is really stupid and useless.. but its funny. Good Job Dasseh. ^^

Lol thanks. That's the point.

@No-Games. Don't follow the paper. D: Suicide is not the answer. There's other ways. (cry2)
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:04
Philm
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#11
hahaha, very funny and enterntaining xD

although the french won't like that one bit. also, did the professor already see that? it has some swear words he migh not like xD
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:06
knightmare123
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#12
Lol, you should hand this into your Social studies teacher :amused See what grade he gives you :3
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:07
DasakeUchiha
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#13
Neliel-Whore wrote:
Definitely a paper over a useless topic. But entertaining, nonetheless.

"If you fail, you should commit suicide." <--- My favorite part.

Seems like a good paper, though. A very creative story, as well. Good job, Das.

Thanks. Xd

@Yondaime. Thanks. Just don't fail, mk? :embarressed

@Phlim. I'm in college, swear words are allowed. lols. And i don't much care for the french, to be honest. I, however, do admire what they've given to culture, but their history is not as admirable. A story for another time..
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:09
narutokak
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#14
I lol'ed man.
That was awesome Dassy.
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  Posted on November 29, 2010 01:12
-Ayame-
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#15
I just feel confuzzled nao and I'm going to go eat my cheese fries :unsure

"If it makes sudden movements you are hallucinating and should consult a doctor."

I lol'ed though ^
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