Mist and Rain


 Topic: Mist and Rain
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  Posted on November 8, 2009 20:34
Dokina_Abetara
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#1
This is the first chapter of my fanfiction. I thought it might be too big to post here so I'm providing you the link to it on fanfiction.net. Feel free to give constructive criticism as I have already done 7 chapters thus far.

Chapter 1

Thank You. :amused
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KidoHina...4ever<33
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Me wrote:
When did the life of one become greater than the totality of many?
  Posted on November 8, 2009 20:36
pickcha
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#2
That is a lot:amused
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Made By: heavens-punisher <.< Click
  Posted on November 8, 2009 20:37
marcel147
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#3
pickcha wrote:
That is a lot:amused
agree:teeth
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  Posted on November 8, 2009 20:39
GaaraKatsu
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#4
i dunno :laugh :laugh
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  Posted on November 8, 2009 20:40
Dokina_Abetara
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#5
marcel147 wrote:
pickcha wrote:
That is a lot:amused
agree:teeth
see i told ya :teeth Pretty much all of my chapters will be there, because they can't fit on here without taking up a lot of space.

P.S I am pretty sure that there will be gaps in the Naruto Universe that I have overlooked..help me with that when you can..its sometimes hard to keep track of all things Naruto.
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KidoHina...4ever<33
Forever one Hunter, forever going alone
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Me wrote:
When did the life of one become greater than the totality of many?
  Posted on November 8, 2009 20:49
punisher12
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#6
damn thats real long like good luck
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  Posted on November 8, 2009 20:53
experiment18
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#7
woah....that was so long, but i read it all....wow
nice...i enjoyed it, it was good!
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  Posted on November 8, 2009 20:58
Smexylicious
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#8
To everyone who says too long:
It's in writing section. Read the damn rules.
DeviantArt
Fuck you.
Fuck the mods.
Fuck everyone on this forum.
This is bullshit.
KTHXBAI
  Posted on November 9, 2009 18:31
Coolidger
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#9
So what if it's too long, you people are too lazy to read. Long doesn't mean bad, and there's no reason to post that, your just trying to get your post count up. :oh

As for my personal review, 6.5/10.
It was solid, but had lots of holes. Also, a few plot twists would have been nice, the one you added was too obvious, having them team up. I saw that coming. Start off with a better opening, catch the readers attention with something different, and then suprise them. Also, alot of it was a fight scene, which is not good for writing. Its okay in manga's, but not so much for novels. And for chapter one, it felt more like a short story. When you write a chapter, you don't end off with a happy ending unless it's the last chapter. You end off with somone unexpected, to make the reader want to read chapter too.
You did do a good job describing though, and thats one of the toughest parts of writing. Describing the people, setting, and just overall feel of the scene. You did a good job on that.
I could go into a little more detail on other things, but this is only for one chapter, i don't feel like making a long review for you to read. Overall, the story had some holes, but wasn't too bad. And don't take this to hrashly, it's simply friendly critism on what to improve on. So 6.5/10, overall. :oh
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I love you ~ Dimmy