Phoenix Chronicles Pt.1

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15 vote(s) since October 19, 2009 17:22

Yes (4) (27%)

No (1) (7%)

Too Long D: (3) (20%)

Too Short D: (1) (7%)

Write more! (6) (40%)

Posted on October 19, 2009 17:22

Narikku
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I'm writing a story, and hope that you like it. I came up with the idea last night, so it might sound a bit far-fetched. Tell me what you think, and add comments critcize and what-not. Don't just rate. If you just rate you will be warned. Also, I'll know if you read this or not, because If you just rated, then voila you didn't read!

Saria watches intently at the sight of the large Cavern. �Are you sure it is in there?� Saria stuttered. Fuziko looked at her with his soft brown eyes, ensuring her that everything was going to be fine.
He spoke softly to her and lightly whispered into her ear, �Saria�. Everything is going to be okay. I�m the chosen one, Remember?�
Saria stared at the birth mark right below Fuziko�s eye. It looked just like the talon of an Eagle, but unlike any other birthmark, in some views, it looked as if there was a bag under his right eye. It looked as if his right eye was very tired, even if Fuziko was fully awake. Saria thought that it signified how he has the eyes of an eagle. Always watching, and when looked directly into, they seem to pierce right into your soul.
Saria started weeping as she hugged him tightly.
�I don�t want you to go! I love you so much!� Saria wailed uncontrollably.
�Shhhh�.� Fuziko hugged her tightly. �Saria� I�ll come back out alive. Just to assure you that I won�t be in any danger, you can come with me.� Fuziko began to notice Saria�s crying stop. �Of course, if you�re not to scared!�
�I�m not scared!� Saria exclaimed as she gave Fuziko a wild scowl.
�Of course you�re not! Now let�s go inside so we can stop this devil from terrorizing the entire world!�
With new found confidence, Saria ran forward, gripping Fuziko�s arm tightly, dragging him along. �Okay!�
They walked in slowly, unaware what awaited them inside the cavern.

Slowly, Saria and Fuziko walked into unknown territory. Saria quickly glanced around the room. The eager lover nudged her mate and shouted �The Orb!� They were quickly greeted by 7 foul lizard-beasts. Fuziko watched as they slowly crawled on four legs, watching intently on their almost bee-like bright yellow and shiny black patterns.
�Zalzars? And only Seven? Saria stand back. This will be over in a flash.� As Fuziko finished his sentence, the birthmark symbolizing him being chosen began to slowly disappear. Lush white feathers began to grow all over him. His back began to arch forward, as his legs lifted up. His clothes seemed to disappear into nowhere, revealing the talons that were beneath his pants. A beautiful golden beak began to form from the tip his nose, to his chin. As the transformation was complete, he noticed the 7 Zalzars cowering behind him in fear.
�Hah!� Fuziko shouted, �Is that all you got? I just transform into this form, and you run away? I�ve met Zalzar�s 100 times more brave than you are!� Instantly the ground shook. Saria shouted, as both of them fell to their feet from the violent shock. Suddenly, another shock just as powerful happened.
�Saria, what is that?!�
�It�s not an earthquake, the shocks are too� in sync.� Another violent shock shook them both to the ground. �Umm� F-fuziko?� Saria stuttered in fear.
�What is it? Why are you stuttering?�
�T-that!�
Fuziko turned his bird-like head to view at the large creature. Saria could see a small smirk in his beak/mouth as he exclaimed. �Now this is what I�m talkin� �bout!�

Fuziko glanced happily at his newest opponent. Instantly a flame appeared upon his feet. The flames began to overtake the entire bird-form, encasing him in a flame cocoon.
�So I finally get to see it. Fuziko�s Ultimate Form.� Saria backed away quickly, deeper into the cavern, as she kept her eyes on Fuziko�s flame-cocoon. She sat down onto the ground, watching the battle that was about to take place from afar. Without delay, the flaming cocoon bursted, leaving blazing spectacles covering all over as a magnificent fire-bird came out.
�So this is what it is. He wasn�t kidding when he said he was a Japanese Phoenix.� (Fushicho is Phoenix in Japanese. I used variations of �shi� and cho� to make Fuziko. I really just didn�t like how Fushicho sounded. I�m sorry.) She spoke softly to herself, as she smiled. � Do well� my blazing phoenix.�

I'll explain what the orb is, who this "devil" is, and the battle in the next part.

Ava by Kayashi.
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Posted on October 19, 2009 17:24

petx12
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wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww7/10 nice job

Call mes key:amused [ Facebook Pwing bishis since 07[ My Showcase Aliswell did it...the avy v.v i know rightManga Style Stocks(Fairy Tail)

Posted on October 19, 2009 17:25

hemant
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im soz but i cba to read its been a long school day :sad

edit ok ill read it later ill fav the page :smile

Posted on October 19, 2009 17:26

Narikku
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petx12 wrote:

wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww7/10 nice job

Warned for Spamming. :rolleyes

@hemant- THat's okay ^_^ REad it later, okay? I'll keep it in my sig.

Ava by Kayashi.
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Posted on October 19, 2009 17:28

breddermk2
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1/10. I like it.

Credit for the siggy goes to gaarasgirl | Credit for the avy for Mingmar2008

Posted on October 19, 2009 17:29

Narikku
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breddermk2 wrote:

1/10. I like it.

What do you like about it? o.O

Ava by Kayashi.
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Posted on October 19, 2009 17:31

hemant
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Narikku i think u should re-open the topic like in 3 hours they'll be ppl on at that time :smile

Posted on October 19, 2009 17:32

Mirrorforce
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*Reserved for comments*

Boy, Saria likes to be emotional a lot from what I'm seeing :cheesy

My Love <3 / Thanks for the tag gift Ginny and Tsu X3

Posted on October 19, 2009 17:34

sannya1997
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8/10 good job. like it. :amused

Posted on October 19, 2009 17:35

Narikku
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#10

Mirrorforce wrote:

*Reserved for comments*

Boy, Saria likes to be emotional a lot from what I'm seeing :cheesy

She's based off my GF. :laugh

Fuziko's not the main character, BTW. :rolleyes

And also, something tragic is going to happen soon, after the fight with the giant Zalzar (Which happens to be the beast.)

Ava by Kayashi.
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Posted on October 19, 2009 17:36

kikinka650
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#11

I really like it, I look forward to the next parts this fantasty style is intersting a so exciting ... Intrigued me idea with the Phoenix, maybe because I not read anything about them =]

^ Miskos <3333
showcase

Posted on October 19, 2009 17:39

Narikku
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#12

kikinka650 wrote:

I really like it, I look forward to the next parts this fantasty style is intersting a so exciting ... Intrigued me idea with the Phoenix, maybe because I not read anything about them

You really think so? :3

This is my first story <3

Ava by Kayashi.
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Posted on October 19, 2009 17:42

Mirrorforce
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#13

Narikku wrote:

Mirrorforce wrote:

*Reserved for comments*

Boy, Saria likes to be emotional a lot from what I'm seeing :cheesy

She's based off my GF. :laugh

Oh, that would explain a lot :rolleyes

8.5/10, this story is off to a good start, but why does it seem that the first paragraph sounds like the starting point of the Disney Movie "Aladdin"? :cheesy

Fuziko: Sounds very confident of himself and acts like nothing can hurt him
Saria: Very emotional like I said earlier and can be somewhat afraid of things (If not very)

Story line: It sounds like this takes place in the desert and I like the idea of how your gonna hold up the battle scene till the next chapter

(Oh yeah, can't forgot about the awesome Phoenix form too :3)

My Love <3 / Thanks for the tag gift Ginny and Tsu X3

Posted on October 19, 2009 17:48

Narikku
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#14

Mirrorforce wrote:

Narikku wrote:

Mirrorforce wrote:

*Reserved for comments*

Boy, Saria likes to be emotional a lot from what I'm seeing :cheesy

She's based off my GF. :laugh

Oh, that would explain a lot :rolleyes

8.5/10, this story is off to a good start, but why does it seem that the first paragraph sounds like the starting point of the Disney Movie "Aladdin"? :cheesy

In my story, all characters are going to have 2 forms (Bad Guys included). An elemental form, and an animal form. The "chosen one" always has an eagle form, due to it's leadership role. Fire is also more of a leadership role, which is why I chose it. Then it came to me. Fire, Eagle... duh. Phoenix! Dx And everyone knows Pheonix's are immortal, and come back after thier "death" which is why I made the pheonix person a "chosen" one.

"But wait, if Fuziko's not the main character, and he's the chosen one, who is?" Who said there wasn't Another chosen one? :rolleyes

Anyway Mirror, you got my story spot on. Your amazing! XD

Also, I've never seen the movie Aladdin in my life. :oh

It probably explains why you thought it was a desert though.

Ava by Kayashi.
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Posted on October 19, 2009 18:01

Mirrorforce
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#15

Narikku wrote:

Mirrorforce wrote:

Narikku wrote:

Mirrorforce wrote:

*Reserved for comments*

Boy, Saria likes to be emotional a lot from what I'm seeing :cheesy

She's based off my GF. :laugh

Oh, that would explain a lot :rolleyes

8.5/10, this story is off to a good start, but why does it seem that the first paragraph sounds like the starting point of the Disney Movie "Aladdin"? :cheesy

In my story, all characters are going to have 2 forms (Bad Guys included). An elemental form, and an animal form. The "chosen one" always has an eagle form, due to it's leadership role. Fire is also more of a leadership role, which is why I chose it.

"But wait, if Fuziko's not the main character, and he's the chosen one, who is?" Who said there wasn't Another chosen one? :rolleyes

Anyway Mirror, you got my story spot on. Your amazing! XD

Also, I've never seen the movie Aladdin in my life. :oh

It probably explains why you thought it was a desert though.

I don't know who the main character is, I have to think about that :rolleyes

You don't watch Disney movies? Wait, you live in America yes? :amazed

Make more, this story is going to be great!

My Love <3 / Thanks for the tag gift Ginny and Tsu X3

Phoenix Chronicles Pt.1

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