chapter 1.

Users reading this topic: There are no members reading this topic.

Posted on January 9, 2008 11:29

_anbu_black_ops_
Rank: member

Forum Rank:
Gleeful Child

Posts: 635
Joined on:
August 23, 2007

the night was unusually chilly. it was cold and gloomy. darkness have covered the whole city. one of the reasons must be the dark clouds, that's hovering above the skies and the fog that's ever growing as the night slowly approaches to midnight. lights can still be seen in the city from the cars on the streets to the tall buildings everywhere. the middle of the city was still full of crowded people both young and adult despite the circumstances. and in the far end of the city lies a large building. it was so large that no one couldn't miss it. the tall build stands proud and alone. an ominous feeling sorrounds it, a presence of danger. people avoids getting caught in that place. even cops hesitates to go near it. yet a young man,barely in his teens, stands in front of it. staring at it with cold eyes...

he looks up at the sky as the clouds slowly moves ,showing a full moon. it was so bright, so round and so big, he thought to himself. it lighted the dark skies and showered the city with its brightness. he smiled to himself and said its gonna be a good (long) night. his heart was beating so fast, he felt alittle sick. he feels an unbearable pain in his heart as he slowly walks near the building. he feels nervous at the same time excited. angry yet sad. suddenly he wasn't sure of himself and thought that he might have made a mistake in coming here. his palm starts to sweat as he climbs the steps of the building. he sees 3 no 4 guards wearing black suits that look like those special agents in the movies. as he approaches the door and open pass it, everything he feels before dissapears...everything except anger.

a medium built, skin headed bald, mean looking man approaches him and asks, " what the hell are you doing here kid, don't you know this is a dangerous place?" the 3 guys at the back was laughing as he said these words. a long haired guy added, "don't scare him too much jake, he might wet his pants". a huge guy started to walk to where the kid and jake was and said " isn't it pass your bed time kid?", " that's a good one roy" said a guy with a moustache with a brush- up hair. the kid just smiled as he drew out two guns from his long coat over the heads of jake and roy. the kid started to say, as he ready to pull the trigger "blood shall rain on this hell i'll create tonight".

-ground floor-

a few minutes later...

close-up on an elevator door as it started to close, leaving behind him 4 dead bodies all bloodied like it was ambushed by a bunch of people full of bullet holes. the place trashed and smokes were everywhere as the elevator closes, you can see his eyes, it were not of a human anymore but of a demon...

end of chapter 1.

chapter 2 part 1

Death is a debt we all must pay. ©

Posted on January 9, 2008 11:30

wogsta
Rank: member

Forum Rank:
Warm Cookie

Posts: 1628
Joined on:
June 2, 2007

... wtf u expect ppl to read dat...

Big thanks to hawkroth for the sig and duos fo the ava and duos for the playertag

i wuv JH

Posted on January 9, 2008 11:31

hawkroth
Rank: member

Forum Rank:
Warm Cookie

Posts: 2441
Joined on:
February 16, 2007

Is it kind of like a werewolf thing with the full moon and stuff?

It was pretty good, reminds me of DMC

Quote by wogsta

... wtf u expect ppl to read dat...

you would expect so considering that's the reason he posted it

Shmexy Hellbound Page - The Epic Hb Chat S0r! - The Hawt Hb Forums

Bitch WTF!?!?

Posted on January 9, 2008 11:32

wogsta
Rank: member

Forum Rank:
Warm Cookie

Posts: 1628
Joined on:
June 2, 2007

BORING!!

Big thanks to hawkroth for the sig and duos fo the ava and duos for the playertag

i wuv JH

Posted on January 9, 2008 11:32

arrz666
Rank: member

Forum Rank:
Warm Cookie

Posts: 2582
Joined on:
September 22, 2007

hmmm maybe some spacing... CAPITALIZATION... And Make It Cleaner

][][Clan - Clanless Rogue][][Subclan - SubClanless][][Avy & Siggy by Teh Orignal ArRz[Morpheus]][][Pinoy Blood!][][

ACP™! Animated Player Card Is Originally Made By Morpheus!

Posted on January 9, 2008 11:33

Itachi4x4(clone)
Rank: member

Forum Rank:
Candy Cane

Posts: 3858
Joined on:
August 20, 2007

COOL :D

Sis:Live_for_Sasuke =D
Adopted by:Narutokun999 =D
Adopted:spartin6969
Proud member of Untitled Clan

Sig and Avi by me :D

Posted on January 9, 2008 11:38

blackjutsu
Rank: member

Forum Rank:
Candy Cane

Posts: 4647
Joined on:
June 2, 2007

Quote by wogsta

... wtf u expect ppl to read dat...

of course he is

at least u should read paragraph by paragraph and spending 30 seconds to read isnt hard

@topic
maybe u can improve the dialog o_O not putting all in one line
its quite good

*sigless*

Posted on January 9, 2008 11:38

chook
Rank: member

Forum Rank:
Snow Angel

Posts: 741
Joined on:
August 19, 2007

??weird

Member of Journey Clan

Chook's Saying:
"if at first you dont succeed, dont bother trying again"

top 5 Naruto characters of ALL time:
1. DOSU!!!!!
2. Kankuro!!!!
3. Shikamaru!!!
4. Sasuke!!
5. Pain!

Top 5 Deathnote characters of all time:
1. Mello
2. L
3. Remu
4. Near
5. Mikami

Torneys won: 2

Posted on January 9, 2008 11:43

Eleemental
Rank: member

Forum Rank:
Candy Cane

Posts: 4063
Joined on:
January 30, 2007

Hmmm... I'm not a writing/story expert, but heres my thoughts.
Spell check/grammar check before posting. Capitalization is needed.
The beginning was long winded and repetitive in the description of the city.
The suspense and build up to the action in the 2nd and 3rd paragraph was slightly rushed in my opinion.